Curiosity had driven Sugar Biscuit into the kitchen again. The sound of a thud and Sweet Pea’s exclamation jerked me out of my revelry. There it was, perfectly broken onto the floor, one of the eggs that was sitting on the counter. The desire to see, feel, and know what she hasn’t known before… all that stuff she is curious about that is up out of her reach. Just now she is getting tall enough to put the tips of her fingers on it.
And I sit here stagnant… bored… complacent. I have seen everything on my level and I’m no longer curious about it. I know it like I know the back of my hand. Until Sugar Biscuit broke the egg this morning it hasn’t even occurred to me to look up to the next level. As you get older the next level is always beyond you… I can remember as a teenager how fascinated I was with the roof. When my parents left I was often up there just sitting because I wanted to and I could. It didn’t matter that it was “out of my reach.” One full moon night I quietly left the house to sit on the roof of our storage building. It was fascinating, exhilarating, and peaceful aside from the few bumps in the half light until I realized it was our dog.
Sugar Biscuit has been grabbing her sister’s camera and trying to capture the world, her day, and I have no idea who she gets that from because I haven’t been doing as often as before. The Tireman points out that my camera is collecting dust on the shelf. A quiet symbol of my inner complacency slipping down the slope to melancholy inactivity. I stare at the walls, the floor, the children but I’m looking past them into nothing. It isn’t a surprise to find that my anxiety has found a home in my heart in which to return.
And I long to make our days different, full of laughter instead of irritation. It is easy to find things to be irritated about ALL day. I focus on the negative because I’ve been blinding myself to the positive for a long time. The news, the gossip, … every one’s dirty laundry for all to be seen… bad moods, drama, political issues, political anger, misdirected passions, grief, and loss… I’ve been looking at the negative far too long. It is effecting my life and affecting my household. I’m reminded of Abraham Lincoln’s statement,
“If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.”
After all, we’re all sinners aren’t we. Me, you, the world, your neighbor, your pastor, your friend, your spouse, your children… and it doesn’t take long for any of us to show it. My response to it all has been to withdraw. First, from the world, my neighbors, and now unintentionally I find myself wanting to withdraw from all the irritations of this house, from my family… but the problem isn’t with them. It is with me. I’ve taken my eyes off the things above… I’ve dropped my hands instead of stretching them to reach the next level… while I’ll never obtain it, maybe I can just get my fingertips on Christ enough to drop His grace around our feet on a daily basis.
Let brotherly love continue. 2 Don’t neglect to show hospitality, for by doing this some have welcomed angels as guests without knowing it. 3 Remember the prisoners, as though you were in prison with them, and the mistreated, as though you yourselves were suffering bodily. 4 Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers. 5 Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you. 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 9 Don’t be led astray by various kinds of strange teachings; for it is good for the heart to be established by grace …. Therefore Jesus also suffered outside the gate, so that He might sanctify the people by His own blood. 13 Let us then go to Him outside the camp, bearing His disgrace. 14 For we do not have an enduring city here; instead, we seek the one to come. 15 Therefore, through Him let us continually offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, that is, the fruit of our lips that confess His name. 16 Don’t neglect to do what is good and to share, for God is pleased with such sacrifices.
~Hebrews 13: 1-16